You're not going to be reading about this in People Magazine or on Page 6 of The New York Post, or The Daily News, whichever one of those rags pushes this kind of gossip on that kind of page.

The only place you'll read is it here. Here it is:

It's over between me and Maureen Dowd.

What? You hadn't heard we were an item? Where have you been? Watching the wall to wall coverage of Anna Nicole Smith? Riveted by the latest installment of Lust in Space, starring the Runway Bride, that astronaut, Lisa Marie?

Well, I have to admit, if you blinked you'd have missed it. My fling with Maureen Dowd, that is.

It started in January. I read one of her columns, then emailed her with something I thought might make her laugh. She got right back to me.

" Funny, " she wrote.

I was stunned. I'd made Maureen Dowd laugh.

I wrote back. Told her I might write to her again. If she hit one of my responsive chords, I'd try to hit one of hers. I added, " I don't want to bug you, though. "

She got right back to me. Wrote:

" Bug away! "

It was then that I knew we'd connected. This was the start of a beautiful relationship.

I wrote back to Maureen Dowd. Recommended a book I was reading. The book was " Ten Days in the Hills, " by Jane Smiley. Maureen had just written a column about how Hollywood mogul David Geffen was distancing himself from Hillary and Bill Clinton, the former Beverly HillWillies.

I made that up. Didn't share it with Maureen, even though I was pretty sure she would think it was, " funny. " All I mentioned was the book.

She wrote back. Said:

" I just got it. Thanks! "

Wow, I thought. All I have to do is recommend a book and she runs out and buys it. This thing is starting to take off. The chemistry is good. We're like Tracy and Hepburn. Brad and Angelina. That's what I thought.

Turns out Maureen and I were more like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Over. Finis. Sayanora, baby. Don't email me, I'll email you.

The last email I sent Maureen Dowd. She didn't answer it. I haven't heard from her in weeks. But I'm expecting she'll eventually get back to me. And say something like, Dear John, or Larry or Terry or whatever your name is. Yadda yadda, blah, blah, etcetera, etcetera.

When she does, I'll email her back and say:

" Funny."

Nothing more, Nothing less. Just " Funny. "